Becoming You

Many of us carry an idea of the person we think we should be or we wish we were.

These versions of us can include someone who copes, doesn't disappoint people and generally gets things right. But where did that person come from? And did we actually choose them?

From childhood onwards, we absorb messages about what is valued.

Be good. Work hard! Don't make a fuss. Make people proud!. Be helpful. Don't be selfish!.

Over time, these messages can become part of how we see ourselves. Then we add our own assumptions, pressures and thought processes about how to be that person. We imagine what other people want from us, anticipate what they'll think and worry about disappointing them.

Sometimes, we're doing other people's thinking for them.

The gap

Carl Rogers described the difference between our real self and our ideal self. When the gap becomes too wide, we can experience what he called incongruence (tension).

Perhaps you recognise it as feeling a mismatch between who you are, and who you think you should be.

Saying yes when you want to say no. Achieving a goal yet playing it down and struggling to receive praise. Trying to become a version of yourself that always seems slightly out of reach.

What about you?

Recognising your own needs doesn't mean other people's needs stop mattering.

It means yours are included.

That can be uncomfortable. New boundaries may meet resistance and saying no may disappoint others. But somebody else's discomfort doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong.

Should or could?

I should be further ahead.

I should be able to cope.

I should say yes.

What happens when should becomes could?

I should say yes becomes I could say yes.

One word introduces something important:

Choice.

And with choice comes the opportunity to ask what you actually want.

Counselling can offer a space to explore that, not to create a better version of you, but to become curious about the person already there.

If this resonates and you're considering counselling, I offer a free 20-minute introductory call to see whether working together feels right.